Thank You, Nick Lowe

by Anita Stubbs

I tuned in to Fresh Air on Public Radio the other day and discovered Nick Lowe.  I was unfamiliar with the British singer/songwriter, but after listening to what he had to say about a variety of things, most specifically his own relationship with his family, he quickly became someone I wanted to know more about. He truly was a breath of fresh air!

He was promoting his new CD entitled At My Age.  After the interview, I promptly ordered it.  When he said that his family "liked each other, and all that, but they were not the kind of family that had to be in each other’s pockets—that had to call each other constantly, ending each call with ‘love you’—well," he said, "we just weren’t that kind of family."  That got me to thinking.

Why is it that some families are in daily contact? Or in some cases, constant contact? I am talking about families where the offspring are fully capable adults, often with children of their own, who still can not seem to separate themselves from their parents as they go through the routines of their daily lives—and the parents, vice versa. Notwithstanding all things being subjective, this seems to me, somewhat odd.

I know that circumstances differ from family to family. Yet, adult children who continue to demand unnecessary attention from their parents, expecting the parents’ lives to remain as entwined with theirs as when they were children seems selfish and immature. Parents who continue to supervise, or cater to,  their adult sons and daughters, grievously short-change themselves, and their children, to my way of thinking.

I believe a parent lacking his or her own identity beyond being the on-call caretaker, sound board, or cheerleader, cannot be truly known, understood, or appreciated as an individual by the child. The parent who has no other persona risks remaining the lifetime crutch, cushion, mirror, safety net, referee, or doormat which prevents both the parent and the adult child from developing socially and psychologically to their fullest personal potential. This is not to say that family members should not support each other in times of legitimate need, and in times of joy. Of course, we should.

I am a parent and a grandparent. My offspring, and theirs, all share a common trait with me. We cherish our privacy, and respect each other’s. That is just the way it is. We are friends too, and enjoy each other as often as work and individual family requirements allow. It brings me much satisfaction and pride knowing that my children function without my constant oversight and input—function well, in fact. They are autonomous and self-reliant individuals, each one of them distinct from the other. My hat’s off to you, my children!

There is freedom in knowing my job is done. What luxurious good fortune it is to have time to myself, to think, to create--to ponder things, like now. I hope my children will have the same for themselves when they are my age. One of life’s greatest wisdoms is knowing when parenting, always a labor of love, is done. My responsibility now to my children is to live as happily, independently, and productively as I possibly can for as long as I can. Seems to me to be the natural order of things. Thank You, Nick Lowe, for reinforcing my belief that too many "love you’s" too often, trivializes the meaning.

Home